Self-definition: What Do You Want?
I spent some time last year singing the virtues of the magical word NO as a means for protecting ourselves, setting healthy limits, marking the boundaries of a better life. But in defining ourselves - whether in relationships, marketing, or whatever - at some stage we have to say YES to something.
Have you ever met someone who defines themselves by what they don’t want, or what they aren’t, or even what’s not cool? You haven’t? They’re actually pretty thick on the ground; in fact, we’re all at risk of living like this.
Each of us could work hard at arranging our lives by what we don’t want, retreating further and further from that which is painful, challenging or unpleasant. In the end, this brings us to a space where we have nothing left to do but stare at our own boots when a big wide world is beckoning.
Someone once called this the Rust-Out Zone. You might also call it the Scrooge Zone!
A few years ago, I was leaving my office and heading back to my car. Before I got there, I was stopped by another employee who launched into an angry tirade about how poorly he was being treated. I remember having a distinct “light-bulb moment” where I started to get angry on his behalf … then realised that I was allowing his anger to take root in me. It wasn’t my anger.
I remember then mentally forming an image of me gently pushing his anger back to him and saying “No thanks, you can keep that.”
May sound a little wierd, but what I did was erect a firm boundary. I said in my heart, “No I will not accept this man’s anger as my own. It’s his. My choice is to not get caught up in the emotion of this issue.”
The effect was gratifying. I remained calm as I listened, feeling like I could leave this situation without taking an extra load of stress I didn’t need…
…but wait a minute. What if I had stopped there? What if I had been happy to define myself in that moment by what I didn’t want or wouldn’t do? Sure, I would have protected my health, I would have kept a healthy emotional distance from this man and his problem. I’d have been fine.
In fact, I might have enjoyed that sensation so much that I labelled it “freedom from caring” - and made it an intentional goal to have more of that kind of freedom! [ie., "Who else can I not care about today?"]
But is that all there is? Protecting ourselves, standing apart, etc etc? It’s not, for me. So I had to ask myself the question: “Ok, now I’m not enmeshed with this man’s emotions; but what contribution will I make here?”
In the end I chose to listen well, offer him some feedback on what he was saying, make a small suggestion and firmly take my leave as my family was waiting. Although I might do a better job of the listening-feedback part these days, I’m still happy with the balance I achieved.
In effect I defined myself as The Guy Who’ll Lead You to Water, rather than the alternatives:
- The Guy Who’ll Force Your Head Under Water [accept my advice you moron!],
- The Guy Who’ll Vaguely Wave His Hand in the Direction of Water then Tell You to Go Away, or
- The Guy Who’ll Spend Hours Pleading with You to “Please Drink Some Water, It’s Good for YOU“!
So what don’t and what do you want to be?
For more on this, you might want to head over to Escape from Cubicle Nation where the next step is talked about: seeing what you want things to become.