Great Circle

To be fair, I haven’t even really won yet. I am well across it, though, more like 75% conquered - but we’ll get to that.

If you’ve heard of me (no guarantees, but google “themolk” sometime ;), then you’d know that I have started a fairly serious medically managed weight-loss process. So far, so good - I’ve lost just over 30kg! On reflection that is a serious amount of weight - still 50kg to go. My weight when I started was 172.3kg… yes, that much. But “losing weight” - that’s not my war…

The program has me eating a meagre amount a day (1200 calories including 4 replacement meals a day), and is re-educating me to make much smarter choices when to comes to what I put in my gob and what the sizes are of what I put in my gob. It’s tough, and I have experienced some dark moments to date and I am sure will experience some more to come. But “not enough food” - that’s not my war…

As a part of the program I also have to exercise a whole lot more than I used to. Considering I didn’t used to exercise, ANY exercise is a whole bunch more that I used to. This means for the last 15 weeks I have been walking for at least 45 minutes every day, and even trying to do some resistance training (sit ups, push ups, other stuff with gym equipment if I can get near it). This has meant somewhat of a mind-shift for me, but I am now entirely comfortable that I will need to walk for at least 45 minutes at least every other day for the rest of my life. But “exercise” - that’s not my war…

I am already noticing that a lot of my clothes now really don’t fit me, to the point of feeling like I’ve put on a parachute with some of my pairs of pants. I am really looking forward to having to go shopping for the new wardrobe when I get there, and even on the way (as a bunch of clothes will need to be accounted for before I get to the whole new wardrobe time). It will be great to walk into a normal clothes store and try something on and just go “I’ll have two of these and some of those and that”. But “second mortgage to pay for new wardrobe” - that’s not my war…

My war is a very personal one, that I haven’t shared with too many people. The main reason for that is that it sounds a bit naff, a bit selfish. It’s not really a “terror”, but a very real fear…

WHO am I going to be when I have lost the 80kg I am aiming to lose as a part of this program?

I have been overweight for all of my adult life and a fair bit of my teenage years. Maybe not morbidly obese early on as I am now/was, but certainly the token fat kid that every school seems to have. As an adult I never really took that much responsibility for my weight or my health, thus it readily and somewhat rapidly grew as I grew. Throughout this process (from my teenage years) I was establishing my identity, understanding who I was, how I related to people, how I coped with various situations, and building my relationships with others. “Being the fat kid/guy” was so centrally linked to that - like the colour of my hair, my ability to cope with stress and pressure, etc. Even though I was comfortable that my overall identity was found to be centrally based in my faith in Christ, all the normal things that surround you and impact your understanding of your ’self’ layered across the outer me.

So… the biggest issue for me is that I will one day soon-ish look in the mirror and not recognise the thinner guy staring back at me. Who is that? How will people react to him? Will his friends still like him? Will his kids still come running for a cuddle and a kiss and shout “Daddy” when he comes home? Will his wife still love and desire him the same as those first times she flirted with him, and then committed to him when they married?

The obvious answer to all of those questions is “yes, you stupid head, of course!”, but just because it is obvious doesn’t mean that it’s sunk in or makes sense to me yet. Like I said, I am only 75% of the way there. I am vexed. Troubled. On a journey.

Don’t get me wrong - I am REALLY looking forward to meeting ThinMe. I am working hard to become ThinMe. I am conquering a lot of other vices and bad habits and developing a much stronger will as I become thin me. I know I can only do it because I believe in a God of grace, love and compassion who is much bigger than all of this and will help me to become ThinMe permanently.

ThinMe is coming. Be ready. I will win this war - I know that I have nothing to fear by becoming thin me. It’s just my outer shell - my ‘mask’, if you will. What you see has been what you get from a physical sense my whole life, but my friends have come to understand that whatever their pre-conceived ideas of me when they first met/saw me the “who” I am is why they want to be my friend. My family know me - they’ve loved me for some time. I am taking great courage from my cheerleaders in this process, some of who have only recently joined me on the way. You can join in too - come on over to http://themolks.com and read all “The Biggerest Loserer” articles and get involved.

I will achieve this… I have to achieve this.

The war is not yet won.

“The calibre of you as a person is determined by the obstacles you meet on the way, and the determination and courage you show in overcoming them”.

- - - - -

themolk is a guy. Just some guy. Nothing that special. OK, well maybe kinda special, in that way we all are.

His blog has been hi-jacked of late with all this weight loss stuff, but he is determined to get back to some good old run of the mill blogging about all the other stuff he is interested in - like attempting to be a quality Dad. Like sharing his absolutle love of the art that is music and movies. Like ranting and raving about stupid stuff that most people don’t think is worth ranting and raving about. Like sharing all the geeky things that come out of him professionally. He absolutely loves and adores his two kids and lives in constant amazement that his wife not only puts up with him, but loves him in an entirely generous and unconditional manner (despite all those eye rolls and sighs). His wife often thinks she is raising 3 kids - one of which is 34 - and she is not far wrong.

For now - the weight loss stuff is kinda important, so that’s why he keeps yapping about it.