Great Circle

Thanks to The Ho‘ohana Community of JJL for creating a learning space and for inviting me to contribute this month; my piece is below. This month’s theme is What We Have Learned from Men?: this is a terrific topic! (I highly recommend you also read David Zinger’s “honor roll” in A Dozen Debts: The He in Me » )

As I thought about this theme, I was drawn back to the thought that “Western” society has largely lost its sense of what it is to be male, or at least its sense of the positive nature of innate maleness. We have popularized the Wise Guy, the Clueless Guy, the Jock, the Nerd, the Tough Guy as if one only of these categories is all us blokes can hope to fit into. We’ve railed against the violence that men have perpetrated, and the elitism that for centuries characterized male-dominated industry and community groups.

But what have we left for Men to be proud of? More specfically what are we offering young men to aspire to? As a father of boys, this question really really gets under my skin!!

My hope is that we (all) would more intentionally embrace what it is to be a Man, that we wouldn’t apologise for the way we’re “wired” (and sink into passive niceness) nor would we use it as an excuse for callousness and insensitivity.

It’s been my good fortune to have met and to know men who serve to point out the best in Maleness. From them I’ve learned …

1) That there is a Warrior Element in the Male.

We want to be tested and found strong, able. We want to fight for a cause, for something bigger than us, for something that gives us pride. We want to fight to protect “our own”, whether that’s our own family, our own home, our own business, our own brand, our own reputation, our own health. We want to exert power and have control.

And this is a great thing. We’ve simply misapplied it too often. But what if we applied it to our business, our health, our community and based it on positive values rather than on our gratification alone?

Where there is no noble pursuit, no daunting challenge, no villain to stand against, no outstanding vision, we tend to go one of two ways. We can go spoiling for a fight over trivial matters, get our blood up over fairly banal offences, turn our neighbors into villains and fight them. Or we can sink into a rusty malaise from which it’s difficult to awaken.

2) That there is a Nurturing Element to the Male.

We most often apply this element to things. And this is good. We not only build a boat or a bookshelf; we polish it. We meticulously gather resources for our pet projects. We care for our garden, taking pride in new growth and in our skill at producing it. We clean our five-iron after golf, ready for its next outing. We maintain our website. We labour over our manuscript…

But often we shy away from turning this strong point toward people. Perhaps we think it’d be sissy, perhaps we think we’ll mess it up, perhaps we don’t think at all.

I believe a man can bring his talent for recognizing and “polishing” the awesome and the beautiful not only to his roles as artisan or sportsman but to those of lover, father, brother, mentor and comrade.

3) That there is a Collaborative Element to the Male.

And this is despite decades (centuries?) of media preaching the Gospel of Frank Sinatra and the Gospel of James Bond – in which doing it “my way”, on my own, relying only on my own might and my own smarts is seen as the measure of a Real Man.

WW2 was not won by individuals but by individuals banding together , who created a synergy of creative thinking and raw determination.

Hundreds, maybe thousands, of men (and women!) put a dozen men on the moon (and those men traveled there in teams).

It gives me a profound sense of pride to see men banding together to discuss their challenges as parents and to commit to support each other. I’m proud to be a co-collaborator with some brilliant women and men on several business projects and two community ones.

Even the Lone Ranger would have been screwed if he hadn’t had Tonto to watch his back!

I say THANKS to the Blokes who have kicked my backside, called me out, heard me out, acknowledged my talents and generously shared their wisdom with me over the years.

The picture below is of something my 7-year old son left behind as he rushed off to school one day. It captured the seamless way in which he had blended his nurturing and warrior aspects in the one game he’d been playing. And he’d invited us all into that game.

May we find ways to similarly blend these strengths of maleness in our lives, at work, at home, and at play.