Warning: very mild course language does rear its ugly head in the title of the article. [It's clean after that]…

As I thought about this theme, I was drawn back to the thought that “Western” society has largely lost its sense of what it is to be male, or at least its sense of the positive nature of innate maleness. We have popularized the Wise Guy, the Clueless Guy, the Jock, the Nerd, the Tough Guy as if one only of these categories is all us blokes can hope to fit into. We’ve railed against the violence that men have perpetrated, and the elitism that for centuries characterized male-dominated industry and community groups.

But what have we left for Men to be proud of? More specfically what are we offering young men to aspire to? As a father of boys, this question really really gets under my skin!!

My hope is that we (all) would more intentionally embrace what it is to be a Man, that we wouldn’t apologise for the way we’re “wired” (and sink into passive niceness) nor would we use it as an excuse for callousness and insensitivity.

It’s been my good fortune to have met and to know men who serve to point out the best in Maleness. From them I’ve learned …

1) That there is a Warrior Element in the Male.

We want to be tested and found strong, able. We want to fight for a cause, for something bigger than us, for something that gives us pride. We want to fight to protect “our own”, whether that’s our own family, our own home, our own business, our own brand, our own reputation, our own health. We want to exert power and have control.

And this is a great thing. We’ve simply misapplied it too often. But what if we applied it to our business, our health, our community and based it on positive values rather than on our gratification alone?

Where there is no noble pursuit, no daunting challenge, no villain to stand against, no outstanding vision, we tend to go one of two ways. We can go spoiling for a fight over trivial matters, get our blood up over fairly banal offences, turn our neighbors into villains and fight them. Or we can sink into a rusty malaise from which it’s difficult to awaken.

2) That there is a Nurturing Element to the Male.

We most often apply this element to things. And this is good. We not only build a boat or a bookshelf; we polish it. We meticulously gather resources for our pet projects. We care for our garden, taking pride in new growth and in our skill at producing it. We clean our five-iron after golf, ready for its next outing. We maintain our website. We labour over our manuscript…

But often we shy away from turning this strong point toward people. Perhaps we think it’d be sissy, perhaps we think we’ll mess it up, perhaps we don’t think at all.

I believe a man can bring his talent for recognizing and “polishing” the awesome and the beautiful not only to his roles as artisan or sportsman but to those of lover, father, brother, mentor and comrade.

3) That there is a Collaborative Element to the Male.

And this is despite decades (centuries?) of media preaching the Gospel of Frank Sinatra and the Gospel of James Bond – in which doing it “my way”, on my own, relying only on my own might and my own smarts is seen as the measure of a Real Man.

WW2 was not won by individuals but by individuals banding together , who created a synergy of creative thinking and raw determination.

Hundreds, maybe thousands, of men (and women!) put a dozen men on the moon (and those men traveled there in teams).

It gives me a profound sense of pride to see men banding together to discuss their challenges as parents and to commit to support each other. I’m proud to be a co-collaborator with some brilliant women and men on several business projects and two community ones.

Even the Lone Ranger would have been screwed if he hadn’t had Tonto to watch his back!

I say THANKS to the Blokes who have kicked my backside, called me out, heard me out, acknowledged my talents and generously shared their wisdom with me over the years.

The picture below is of something my 7-year old son left behind as he rushed off to school one day. It captured the seamless way in which he had blended his nurturing and warrior aspects in the one game he’d been playing. And he’d invited us all into that game.

May we find ways to similarly blend these strengths of maleness in our lives, at work, at home, and at play.

Why not pay her a visit, listen to us chat for half an hour and see if you can find an idea that helps you de-stress a little as a parent.

You can hear the podcast at Help for stressed-out parents.

I occasionally get asked, “What is a life coach?”. The question is usually followed up with another one that goes something like: “Isn’t that ringing people at 6 am to get them out of bed and stuff like that?” or “Is that like helping people with their problems?”

My response? “Er, not really…”

Basically a coach of any description is someone who helps someone else do something better.

The most common reason for a sports team to hire a new head coach, a business to hire a new business coach, or an an individual to hire a “life” coach is to achieve a breakthrough of some sort. Things haven’t been going as well as they could be, progress is thwarted, and they just need a new approach to tackling their goals and barriers.

So enter Pete Aldin, life coach.

The people I enjoy serving most, always fit one of the following descriptions.

People who are in Overwhelm, who feel besieged, unprepared for a new role, or just plain exhausted…

I love to help these people to BREATHE, BREAK THEIR OVERWHELM INTO SMALL PIECES, SIMPLIFY THEIR LIFE.

People with inspiring ideas - writers, pioneers, entrpreneurs - whose ideas seem to float in orbit, never actually landing to take root on Planet Earth…

I love to see these people break through their invisible barriers and actually CREATE SOMETHING THEY LOVE!!

Gen Ys and Gen Xers who feel stuck: they have that Big Decision to make but can’t seem to make it; they have so many choices that choosing one feels nigh on impossible; or they’ve been doing their best to succeed but success seems to elude them…

I love helping them RELAX, UNLEASH THEIR TRUE VALUES AND SENSE OF PURPOSE, ACTUALLY MAKE PROGRESS THEY’RE PROUD OF!

One of my dear friends and coaching colleagues, once wrote a simple piece to help people assess coaching as an option for them.  If you have been thinking about life coaching, but (like me) you like to browse as much as possible before even speaking to someone, I encourage you to check out Is coaching for me? today.

Refresh a stranger. Make sure you commit a Random Act of Kindness today.

(For more, go to www.payitforwardday.com)

At one stage of the story, they note that Gulliver’s pocket watch is probably a god. This is because he rarely did anything without consulting it. He called it his oracle and said it appointed the time for every action of his life.

“Travels” was written over 200 years ago. [Great book by the way!]. This was a comment about the “modern” preoccupation with time. But has anything changed in 200 years? Gulliver sure sounds like me sometimes: preoccupied with routines and deadlines.

Of course, life wouldn’t flow so well if we DIDN’T keep some kind of order to it and use time well.

Still, our preoccupation with time is one of the factors contributing to our life of hurry hurry hurry. I like this quote from Carl Honore’s incredible book, In Praise of Slow:

“The toll taken by the Hurry-up Culture is well-rehearsed. We are driving the planet and ourselves toward burnout. We are so time-poor and time-sick that we neglect our friends, families and partners. We barely know how to enjoy things anymore because we are always looking ahead to the next thing…

“(E)ach of us should try to make room for Slowness. A good place to start is with reassessing our relationship with time … Try to think of time not as a finite resource that is always draining away [ouch! I need to reconsider my opinion on this, given what I have written about it], nor as a bully to be feared or conquered, but as the benign element we live in. Stop living every moment as if Frederick Taylor [inventor of the Time and Motion philosophy] were hovering nearby, checking his stopwatch and tut-tutting over his clipboard…”

Feeling hurried? Stressed? Take a deep breath. Let it out slow. Go to a window and focus on something far away from where you are. If your “horizon” is the next office building 30 feet away from you, head out to a park in your lunch break and do “nothing”.

May Time once again become our environment, rather than our mean and demanding god.

Ever played Chess?

In the greatest strategy game ever created, you don’t just roll the dice on your turn and move to the space indicated. You face multiple variations, possibilities, choices. You’re required to think carefully and creatively about every move you make.

When the half-decent chess-player considers moving a piece, they begin by looking at that piece in relation to every other piece on the board, friendly and hostile. They realise that both the piece and its possible moves have different effects at different stages of the game, that the piece’s value and behaviour depends on what’s happening at that moment.

The competent player considers the next move from many angles: “If I move my bishop to that space, what can attack me? What countermove will it provoke from my opponent? How does it open up space for me and the enemy? What advantage will it give me? What will it allow me to do on my next few moves? How will I protect myself?”

Now, if you’re a leader of some kind it would be easy to think of yourself as the chess-player and your team or colleagues or family as the pieces. I want you instead to imagine yourself as a piece on the board.

You are a piece that has the free will to make its own move. The forces that oppose you are waiting on that move before responding. The pieces allied with you will be affected by your move and will probably also move in response to it.

Your next move is as important as any other you have ever and will ever make. Please consider these thoughts and questions before you make it. (By the way, I’m not suggesting you go through this whole process for every other decision you make!)

1. What are the rules you must observe? How can you make these rules work for you?

2. OPTIONS: List all the possible moves you see you can make from here (even the crazy ones). Once you’ve listed all you see, answer these questions. If you “played” with a more aggressive style, what other moves would open up to you? What moves, if you played a more defensive style? A more structured style? A more unorthodox style? What if you played a game that was based on series of small moves rather large dramatic ones? What if you played more from the heart than from the head?

3. You may now have a sizeable list. Look at each potential move and answer questions like these:

• What specific advantage does it give me?
• Where does it leave me vulnerable?
• What possibilities might open up?
• What response are my opposing “forces” (personal or impersonal) likely to make? (”The auditors will have a coronary” “My tendency to worry will kick in” “My tired team may complain about more work and drag their heels”)
• How do I need to back myself up?
• Whose support do I need for this move?
• What am I certain it will cost me?
• How does this move line up with my overall vision, my goals, my integrity?
• Where does it lead to next?
• What benefit will it bring others?
• What do I need to consider in terms of timing this move for greatest effect?
• Do I need to break this down into smaller steps or is better enacted the way I’ve written it already?

4. Now which move looks best to take next?

Your move!

I want to recommend to you a wonderful movement based on a wonderful concept. April 4 will be Pay It Forward Day. This event is the brainchild of Blake Beattie and is worthy of our support. Besides, it might even be fun. Some of Blake’s thoughts are below, but I recommend you visit www.payitforwardday.com and learn more, put it in your calendar … even start early and perform a random act of kindness today!

Great work Blake! 

A message from Blake Beattie (Pay It Forward Day Founder)

‘Pay it Forward Day’ is a brilliant concept by Catherine Ryan Hyde from her book of the same title. Some people were originally quite sceptical of the whole idea: they said that it was good in theory, but not in practise. I challenged this point of view believing that people are genuinely giving by nature, but many get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life. April 4 is a time when each of us can get to experience the ‘Power of Giving’ and the ripple effect begins.

Bill Wilson of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Bill opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said”No”.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Bill said,”Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Wilson`s residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Bill, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

Bill said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

So begins Honda’s creative advertising (in the UK I think) for its revolutionised diesel engine. I’m not going to write anymore about Honda, because it’s the phrase that lead their campaign that caught my attention: Hate Something, Change Something, (Make Something Better).

What a great thought starter! If something bugs you, why just live with it? I don’t mean divorcing your husband because he snores. I mean, change the situation, or change the “it” if you can.

Even if you’ve adopted a Fransiscan philosophy-of-life (ie., “Help me to change the things I can, accept the things I can’t, etc”), there’s scope in every situation for some form of change, for an improvement.

What a fantastic difference it could make with those things that bring us pain and restriction if we stopped making excuses for them, if we stopped complaining about them, and put the energy into improving them.

What a wonderful difference it’d make to truly apply our strengths to the things we hate about our job or other responsibilities, just as the Honda engineer did. He couldn’t rid the world of the diesel engine, so he made it quieter, cleaner, tougher and more powerful [well, according to their spin he did :)].

A friend’s grandfather used to tell him, “I always give the hardest job to the laziest person because they’ll find the fastest way to do it.”

Improvement. Innovation. Empowerment.

What do you hate? How could you change it? What strengths do you have that (when applied) could make it better?

A big thanks to BadDadRadio’s podcast for alerting me to this motto.