It was a personal reference to Aesop’s fable about the old man, the boy and donkey. Follow the  link if you’re not familar with it.

I put it there because I was painfully (and daily!) aware that 300 different people had exactly 300 different expectations of me.

The “donkey” for me was the things I was trying to achieve in my ministry. There was my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my values… and then there was those of the “crowd”. Now in a position like a pastor’s, you’d think you’re basically there to do what everyone “needs” you to do in the moment. Well, there’s a place for that – the crisis. But most of the time, most of the people I served weren’t in crisis (even if they thought they were!).

And I began to go nuts trying to please all of the people all of the time. And the stuff I did well, the stuff that bore fruit in people’s lives and in mine, the stuff I was made to do … it all fell by the wayside.

Until one day I reread this fable again and Aesop spoke to me across the centuries. I got clear on what I was meant to do, what my focus was and what my values were. And to the best of my ability, I followed them.

Eventually that lead to me leaving professional ministry and launching my own life coaching practise – where I’ve been far more fruitful. But even before that, I was feeling better defined and more present for the real crises and needs that my talents could serve.

So. What’s your donkey? What are people telling you to do with it?

What do you WANT to do with it?

So do it.

Sometimes I’m aware of it and how it’s affecting me; sometimes I’m in control of it, using it to my advantage; at still other times it seems to run on autopilot affecting my moods and decisions without me intervening.

As we begin each day, we’re talking ourselves into something, whether it’s a mood or a decision. For some it might be either talking themselves into taking a sickday or going to work. For others, ruminating on their back pain unwittingly drags them into a downward spiral of further stress, pain and unhappiness.

And for yet others they spend their day talking themselves into feeling good and behaving in a way that’s actually helpful to them…

“Today I will exceed the expectations of others”

“Today I will take that risk … even if it doesn’t come off, I’ll learn, I’ll grow, I’ll be stronger! Let’s go for it!”

“I’m not lazy, I’ve just been distracted. I’m going to cut off some excess baggage from my life and focus on what’s important”

“I know what I’m doing. I don’t have to get it right. I just have to get it done!”

This is not that shmalzy warm-&-fuzzy hyped-up positive-thinking thinking that many of us distrust and can see right through. This is a naturally occuring process between mind and emotions, between thoughts/actions and the way our body feels and responds. It’s a snowball effect as one of my dear friends – a fitness trainer – calls it.

To use another metaphor, you and I get to set the track that the train of our thoughts will run on for the day.

If I set it on the track of Grace, Self-respect, Adventure, Persistence and Optimism then I can already predict where I’ll be emotionally by the end of the day. I’ll be in a good space. I can’t predict the way the cards will fall, or the people that will willingly or unwittingly get in my way, or what’s going to happen with the Dow today. But if my thoughts are running on that wholesome track, I may well be surprised at how many of the circumstances of my day bend themselves to my advantage … and how others that might otherwise have caused me stress, are like water off that duck’s back …

So. What are you talking yourself into today? What are you talking yourself out of? Try it: set the train of your thoughts running on the Grace/Selfrespect/Empathy/Adventure/Persistence/Optimism track.

And reflect at the end of your day on where that train has lead you…

***

Many of us have gone through our fair share of seeing neighbours come and go. Some we love and would hate to see move. Some we hate and would be glad to see move.

I’m digging into my past, ten years ago, to paint a picture of four families living on four properties – all connected together, my family included. I was a young teenager at the time.

My property was a “battle-axe” block, surrounded by seven  2/3rd acre blocks, placing me at the centre of the coming ”war”. On the one side was a family with one boy,  Marty, the other side, a family with three kids – we’ll call them the Canadians (which they were). On the opposite corner side, there was a family with four kids, I call them the Flintstones.

Now, my recollections of how it all unfolded are a bit hazy, but Marty and I had started and maintained a good friendship well before either of the other two families had moved in. I can still hear in my mind his famous method of calling out to me across the whole yard to get my attention during the early hours of the morning  in his pre-pubescent, girly voice: “Maaaaaaatttthhhhhheeeeewwwwww!!”

The Flintsones moved in. It was always interesting and exciting to see new people; the Flintstones were all around my age. Marty was a bit younger than me so my instinct was to meet these new people, with Marty in tow. The Flintstones seemed alright, friendly and welcoming, and it didn’t take long for a connection to develop between them and myself.

It wasn’t so much the case with Marty. He seemed to like them but lurked more in the background and as it turned out, they really didn’t approve of him and didn’t want him at their house. I was surprised and could not understand this – there was nothing wrong with him. Marty was a friend; I was not going to just leave him out.

Then the Canadians moved in. I was in no hurry to meet them; however, the Flinstones became quite friendly with them, consequently leading me to get to know them as well and they were quite OK. Marty seemed a little more interested in the Canadians as they were younger than the Flintstones. He must have met them without my help as I saw him over in their pool, as well as the Flinstones.

I started to feel a bit left out now.

A few days later, things changed, as they often do in social contexts. I was in the company of the Canadians and the Flintstones and it seemed neither party were very fond of Marty and in fact had decided they weren’t going to invite him over anymore, although I was still welcome.

I was not comfortable with this. It wasn’t my decision to make – it was their choice, but I felt I could be of influence. I had to tell them how I felt; I was not prepared to exclude Marty so I could go over to their house. I felt they were all ganging up on him.

They acknowledged my sentiment, but offered no solution. I didn’t know what to do. I felt sorry for him and couldn’t understand it. I wasn’t going to let these indifferences come between us.

Marty and I talked about the situation. He didn’t think much of the new people, understandably and suggested I should not talk to them. This was not going to work for me as I was keen to continue the friendship with the Flintstones as well as remain loyal to Marty. After discussing my feelings, Marty seemed to understand. I theorised that I was the only one who could decide who I should and should not be friends with and while I didn’t like the Flintstones and Canadians exclusionary tactics, I didn’t want to discard their friendship. I felt I had taken the moral “high ground” in this mess between all parties and it was here that I felt I won the war.

Over time it turned out that the friendships between me, the Flintstones and the Canadians didn’t last too long and Marty and I seemed to drift apart also. There was never bad blood, but the choice I made, the war I won, had casualties. No one was comfortable with my decision to be friendly towards everyone. Making my own choices, maintaining an openness to everyone – what I felt was the moral high ground – seemed to be above everyone else’s heads.

Looking back over the years, I question myself if I made the right choice and if I actually won the war. The war really was between my friends, but then again it was also between my heart and head and the decision I had to make. My head says I made the right choice – my heart too, but it still hurts a little that these friendships were sacrificed. Sixteen years were spent at that house and they are fond memories of a special place.

The weird thing is, since those days and the numerous houses I’ve lived in, I’ve never developed any friendships with neighbours. I think I would be a good neighbour and friend. But the possibility of more feuds, exclusion and the thought of more tough moral choices – reaching out, that could be the start of a whole new war.

At one stage of the story, they note that Gulliver’s pocket watch is probably a god. This is because he rarely did anything without consulting it. He called it his oracle and said it appointed the time for every action of his life.

“Travels” was written over 200 years ago. [Great book by the way!]. This was a comment about the “modern” preoccupation with time. But has anything changed in 200 years? Gulliver sure sounds like me sometimes: preoccupied with routines and deadlines.

Of course, life wouldn’t flow so well if we DIDN’T keep some kind of order to it and use time well.

Still, our preoccupation with time is one of the factors contributing to our life of hurry hurry hurry. I like this quote from Carl Honore’s incredible book, In Praise of Slow:

“The toll taken by the Hurry-up Culture is well-rehearsed. We are driving the planet and ourselves toward burnout. We are so time-poor and time-sick that we neglect our friends, families and partners. We barely know how to enjoy things anymore because we are always looking ahead to the next thing…

“(E)ach of us should try to make room for Slowness. A good place to start is with reassessing our relationship with time … Try to think of time not as a finite resource that is always draining away [ouch! I need to reconsider my opinion on this, given what I have written about it], nor as a bully to be feared or conquered, but as the benign element we live in. Stop living every moment as if Frederick Taylor [inventor of the Time and Motion philosophy] were hovering nearby, checking his stopwatch and tut-tutting over his clipboard…”

Feeling hurried? Stressed? Take a deep breath. Let it out slow. Go to a window and focus on something far away from where you are. If your “horizon” is the next office building 30 feet away from you, head out to a park in your lunch break and do “nothing”.

May Time once again become our environment, rather than our mean and demanding god.

It can be thoroughly frustrating to work amidst unhealthy and unethical practises.

Defining yourself may be a goal that takes a lot of hard work, but you will retain your integrity AND you just might become the influence that prevents others from blindly following an organisation’s unhealthy practises and values.  

From the time we commence kindergarten, we are conditioned to find the quickest and easiest way to fit in with a new environment. Eventually we may turn from conforming to school rules only to find ourselves bowing to peer pressure.

We carry this learned behaviour into adult life. Sometimes – in stark contrast to our deepest desire to make a difference, to make our mark, to create something new and better - we simply comply and fit in.

Into the workplace we step, entering a culture established before we arrived, pressured subtly (occasionally blatantly) to conform with “the way we do things here”. When that “way” is healthy, compassionate, innovative or ethical, then aligning ourselves with it can actually become a helpful experience for shaping who we are.

But when that environment is toxic or dysfunctional in some way, to go with the flow opens us up to becoming infected with its flaws. This will probably lead to us

• undermining our own integrity, enthusiasm, ideals and values
• giving tacit agreement: endorsing the rot – sometimes even abuses – within the system
• selling parts of our soul to keep our pay packet
• perpetraing the poison of others: actually spreading it further.

It can be thoroughly frustrating to work amidst unhealthy and unethical practises, while feeling powerless to initiate change.

Ultimately, if you are finding yourself in such an environment, then the issue is not as much about the organisation as it is about you. What’s needed is not that you establish a Rebel Alliance in your organisation -we don’t want it closing down or you losing your job!

What’s needed is that you define yourself clearly, first to yourself and then to others. (We face the very same challenge in our families and our circle of friends).

I’ve worked in (and on) many organisations and have always been fascinated by their “cultures” – particularly the behaviour of the human beings within them. One company I worked with had an annual staff turnover rate which exceeded 90%! In other words, if there were ten people in the office in March 2000, by March 2001 nine of the faces would be different.

I remember well meeting “Bekky” – new to the company, full of enthusiasm, cheery, open-hearted, empathetic and motivated. After a few weeks, I complimented her on the way she treated people, remarking that she seemed more interested in providing a service to clients than keeping the bureaucracy happy with her. Her reply went something like this:

“When I got into this job, I already had friends in the industry who told me the kinds of things that could burn me out really quickly. They told me how jaded and negative I would become. I decided that I wasn’t going to be like that. I know what I want to achieve through this; I know who I am – and all I need to do is keep that in focus. I am not going to change.”

Months later, when others who had sat at her desk before her would have been looking in the Job Ads, she remained the same caring chirpy person – and she was maintaining her KPIs!

Defining yourself is a goal that may take a lot of hard work and time to achieve, but I hope you’re seeing why it’s so worthwhile. Here are some starting thoughts to consider.

1. Be clear about your values and the outcomes you are aiming at achieving – your perspective, your integrity, your intentions, your ethics are valid! (You just need to be clear on what they are)

2. Try to uncover the underlying principles or negative values in the organisation’s behaviour and culture that make you uncomfortable – what’s going on under the surface? One of the things this helps you do is to refrain from labelling colleagues as the Enemy – it’s often about culture not individuals.

3. Be proactive about living your own heartfelt values even in a situation set against them – this is (in essence) leadership!

4. If called on to explain yourself, first see it as opportunity to have an influence. Second, don’t blow it by making it a “me versus you” moment; instead look for a way to show how your thought or attitude or action can actually benefit the organisation and bring about their stated goals in some new way. Thirdly, if asked to do something you don’t feel is right, rather than say “That’s just wrong!”, start your response with “I’m not comfortable with that.” And fourth, state your position logically and briefly, without making accusations against others.

5. Encourage others to explore your point of view (“Do you see any gaps in my reasoning?”); steer clear of having to win the point, just discuss it and enjoy the interaction. Just as you are resisting conforming to the opinions or expectations of others in this situation, those other people will generally resist any attempts to change their mind or go against the established order. It captures people’s attention more when you don’t try to get them to back down – while demonstrating that you are committed to thinking more deeply about your own point of view.

6. If you are being called on to engage in actions that you feel are seriously unethical or unworkable, then it may be you have an equally serious decision to make about whether to seek a company that’s a better fit for you. An epilogue to the story of Bekky above is that she lasted 18 months but eventually made a proactive choice to move to another service provider within that industry. The best thing about that was that she remained her “old” self, not burnt out, not jaded, still clear on why she did what she did and committed to enjoy her work.

While it doesn’t always work out this way, you just might become the influence that prevents others from blindly following the organisation’s unhealthy practises and values. At the very least, you’ll stay on the pathway of your own sense of purpose … and you will remain the YOU you choose to be!

I am indebted to the excellent blogging and tremendous generosity of nutritionist Kathryn Elliot, who yesterday wrote about How to deal with a carb addiction  (my downfall!). Here’s an excerpt:

Beating carbohydrate cravings is all about managing your blood sugar levels and keeping insulin under control. Each time your blood sugar levels drop too low you will crave carbohydrates.

Therefore if you can keep blood sugar levels even-keeled, you’ll reduce the risk of carb cravings.

I recommend a visit to Kathryn’s post (via clicking her underlined title above) as well as giving her 5 steps a try. (And if you live in Sydney, maybe you could check out her practise).

[Kathryn has also written for Great Circle before on the topic How I won the war on cake and other afternoon cravings]

Lo and behold! When I opened the door, there stood – resplendent in his white shirt and even whiter teeth, with pristine lanyard displaying a shiny ID badge, and heavy-duty clipboard held like a medieval skirmisher’s shield - a hawker, a door-to-door salesman.

Was I pleased to see him?

No.

It was a Saturday evening and he was trespassing on my property and my time.

Was I my normally kind and empowering self?

No.

This was battle. He wanted to plunder my time and my money. And I had no intention of giving him any quarter.

Did I even let him speak?

No.

Because (to my eternal shame) I have both trained telemarketers and worked as one. Therefore, I know that the core skill of the good hawker (whether ”assailing” you via telephone, at your front door or in the foyer of your business) is to keep you talking, to keep you engaged. Unfortunately, a quick “No, thankyou” followed by a switched off phone or a closed front door is as polite as you can afford to be.

This got me thinking (off on a tangent again!). I’m fiercely protective of my home. I won’t allow many things or people into it. But how about my mind and emotions?

If you and I talked about it, we’d undoubtedly agree that fretting, judgmentalism, self-doubt and holding a grudge are all unhealthy. They’re even against my own personal principles and the values of my faith.

I’ve also  found often that they are working away in my mind, plundering my time, my emotional energy, my integrity, my creativity, my health, etc etc.

Who let them in? I did.

There is a wonderful metaphor in The Bible for these things (relax, I’m not gonna preach a sermon atcha!): “fiery arrows”. Perhaps you can picture a battle scene from a Ye Olden Days movie, arrows with fiery tips are streaming over the castle walls. One lands in a thatched roof. If the denizens of the castle extinguish it early, no harm done apart from a scorch mark. But if it’s allowed to take hold – WHHOOOSH! – you got a big fire to contend with and it’s spreading quickly!

If my home is my Castle, my mind is the Keep. And if the telephone and the front door are the gateways to my home, then my initial mental response to fretting, condemning and self-doubt are the gateway to my self. I don’t want my mind and emotions infected with these bugs any more than is unavoidable.

It’s helped me to try to catch things quickly. When the anxiety mechanism kicks in, to simply change channels in my head. When the impulse to take offense (my biggest struggle) kicks in, to say “Hold on, brain. Let’s not go there!” When the voice of judgment starts to belittle someone, to start complimenting them internally and externally.

Let’s face it, if we don’t have time to waste talking with people who want to sell us stuff we don’t need or want – we certainly don’t have time to waste worrying, complaining or beating ourselves up.

How are the defenses at your gates?

I spent some time last year singing the virtues of the magical word NO as a means for protecting ourselves, setting healthy limits, marking the boundaries of a better life. But in defining ourselves – whether in relationships, marketing, or whatever – at some stage we have to say YES to something. 

Have you ever met someone who defines themselves by what they don’t want, or what they aren’t, or even what’s not cool? You haven’t? They’re actually pretty thick on the ground; in fact, we’re all at risk of living like this.

Each of us could work hard at arranging our lives by what we don’t want, retreating further and further from that which is painful, challenging or unpleasant. In the end, this brings us to a space where we have nothing left to do but stare at our own boots when a big wide world is beckoning.

Someone once called this the Rust-Out Zone. You might also call it the Scrooge Zone!

A few years ago, I was leaving my office and heading back to my car. Before I got there, I was stopped by another employee who launched into an angry tirade about how poorly he was being treated. I remember having a distinct “light-bulb moment” where I started to get angry on his behalf … then realised that I was allowing his anger to take root in me. It wasn’t my anger.

I remember then mentally forming an image  of me gently pushing his anger back to him and saying “No thanks, you can keep that.”

May sound a little wierd, but what I did was erect a firm boundary. I said in my heart, “No I will not accept this man’s anger as my own. It’s his. My choice is to not get caught up in the emotion of this issue.”

The effect was gratifying. I remained calm as I listened, feeling like I could leave this situation without taking an extra load of stress I didn’t need…

…but wait a minute. What if I had stopped there? What if I had been happy to define myself in that moment by what I didn’t want or wouldn’t do? Sure, I would have protected my health, I would have kept a healthy emotional distance from this man and his problem. I’d have been fine.

In fact, I might have enjoyed that sensation so much that I labelled it “freedom from caring” – and made it an intentional goal to have more of that kind of freedom! [ie., "Who else can I not care about today?"]

But is that all there is? Protecting ourselves, standing apart, etc etc? It’s not, for me. So I had to ask myself the question: “Ok, now I’m not enmeshed with this man’s emotions; but what contribution will I make here?”

In the end I chose to listen well, offer him some feedback on what he was saying, make a small suggestion and firmly take my leave as my family was waiting. Although I might do a better job of the listening-feedback part these days, I’m still happy with the balance I achieved.

In effect I defined myself as The Guy Who’ll Lead You to Water, rather than the alternatives:

• The Guy Who’ll Force Your Head Under Water [accept my advice you moron!],
• The Guy Who’ll Vaguely Wave His Hand in the Direction of Water then Tell You to Go Away, or
• The Guy Who’ll Spend Hours Pleading with You to “Please Drink Some Water, It’s Good for YOU“!

So what don’t and what do you want to be?

Remember when we were kids and ripping off that band-aid was such a trial? “I can’t do it: IT’S GONNA HURT!!!”

In my last Whetstone newsletter, I published a Laurie Beth Jones article on procrastination. In it, she made these points:

 We often choose the complicated ambling route … when if we just went straight at the challenges facing us, we’d have the problem beaten in no time.

Procrastination seems like a harmless and benign habit. But the truth is, procrastination is costly.

There is a time when the time is too late. Decisions delayed can cause major damage or heartache.

A recent post by Lisa Haneberg built on this subject for me, touching on it from another angle. In it, she describes actions we avoid because they downright scare us.

Quick moment of reflection: 

• Have you been continually avoiding things you want or need to do or say for some time now?
• Does it seem to you that they’ll bring you overwhelming pain or loss?
• Are you caught between recoiling from the prospect of pain and knowing it’s actually the best thing you can do?

While I’m not trying to minimise your challenge, it sounds a little like the band-aid, doesn’t it? Think about it. You have faced one of these moments before; you took the plunge; you discovered it either wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be or the benefits far outwieghed the costs! Sometimes the Nike philosophy (Just Do It) is the best approach…

Caveat: I’m not recommending recklessness or thoughtlessness. We’re not talking about telling your husband that you’ve had enough of his channel-surfing, and “either the TV goes or I go!“. I’m not suggesting you go postal at work. (Please don’t).

We are talking about things like

• being honest about your feelings,
• defending your boundaries,
• making a tough business decision,
• undertaking counselling,
• letting that troublesome-but-talented employee know they are on their final warning (whether or not they’re easily replaced),
• admitting you’re an alcoholic and entering rehab,
• returning to study…

… you get the drift.

We often look back on these “But I can’t do that” challenges at a later date and wonder “What was all that fuss about??”

Courage is the choice to believe that the pain of inaction is far worse than the pain of taking action.

(I’m in a linking kind of mood today) Rosa Say has aired one of those “that’s so simple, why didn’t I ever think of doing this?” kinds of concepts in this recently published article. It is very well-worth the read. I love being thus empowered.

Thanks Rosa!