It was a personal reference to Aesop’s fable about the old man, the boy and donkey. Follow the  link if you’re not familar with it.

I put it there because I was painfully (and daily!) aware that 300 different people had exactly 300 different expectations of me.

The “donkey” for me was the things I was trying to achieve in my ministry. There was my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my values… and then there was those of the “crowd”. Now in a position like a pastor’s, you’d think you’re basically there to do what everyone “needs” you to do in the moment. Well, there’s a place for that – the crisis. But most of the time, most of the people I served weren’t in crisis (even if they thought they were!).

And I began to go nuts trying to please all of the people all of the time. And the stuff I did well, the stuff that bore fruit in people’s lives and in mine, the stuff I was made to do … it all fell by the wayside.

Until one day I reread this fable again and Aesop spoke to me across the centuries. I got clear on what I was meant to do, what my focus was and what my values were. And to the best of my ability, I followed them.

Eventually that lead to me leaving professional ministry and launching my own life coaching practise – where I’ve been far more fruitful. But even before that, I was feeling better defined and more present for the real crises and needs that my talents could serve.

So. What’s your donkey? What are people telling you to do with it?

What do you WANT to do with it?

So do it.

I am really enjoying his latest podcast series: Run Your Business like Gordon Ramsey.

Eye-catching title huh? I wasn’t disappointed when I listened to episode one: HSCS-001 – Pt1, Run your business like Gordon Ramsay

I recommend you do the same!

For much of 2004, I was unemployed. There was a few months there when I wondered if I would ever be employable again.

But I had to do something! Those of you with mortgages will understand what I mean by that. Those of you with children for whom you want to provide a certain quality of life will understand what I mean by that. Those of you who believe your life has purpose and enjoy being a contributor to the world around you … will understand what I mean by that.

So how was I going to earn $$ and have something to offer people again?

Here’s 3 of the tactics that enabled me to win that war by the middle of 2005…

1. Ask “What Can I Do?”

Every time I’d think or hear of an option that my back condition said was impossible, I’d ask that question.

“Ok. so I can’t go back to retail because I can’t carry customer’s parcels to their car or operate the registers which are always below my waist-height. So what can I do?”

Eventually I was left with a list of cans and musts:

• I can train people
• I must be able to move and change position/posture constantly
• I must have a high degree of control over my work enviornment
• Hey, I can run training courses because they fit those three criteria and I have qualifications/experience in that!
• I can coach
• I can speak on the telephone
• So I could train live and phone-coach!

Now I finally had a direction to head in, I could create new options based on that focus…

2. The “Will Do” Approach

You’ve heard of the ‘can-do’ attitude. Well, I realised that many of us also have a will-do attitude and it was only strengthened in me by that season of my life.

One week when the 29th job application landed on deaf ears, I told myself “I will send another” … and that one lead to a contact which eventually lead to a contract 12 months later.

Whenever I saw a job (ad) for which I was unqualified but which looked attractive, I told myself “I will go for that!”  One of these lead to 2 months of fulltime work over summer.

When I took on a 3-day-a-week position over 4 months which required two hours of painful commuting on crowded trains on each one of those 140 days (painful because of my back condition), I told myself each morning “I can do this and I will.” And I did.

I tried new things, I extended myself, I discovered more of what I was capable of, I positioned myself for the next break-through…

I don’t say this out of ego (I haven’t even mentioned the place of prayer in getting me through this time!). This attitude is a normal behaviour for anyone refuses to play the victim.

It does move people out of a rut and out of unemployment/underemployment… even out of a career rut.

3. When You Can’t Get a Job, Start a Business.

And this is what I worked toward. It didn’t have to be complex, it didn’t require a 53 page business plan or $200,000 bank loan.

When none of the jobs I was in and out of between July 04 and July 05 suited my needs or restrictions, it became clearer than ever that not only did I have the makings of a damn fine coaching/development service within me, it was actually the best possible option to pursue health-wise.

I chose from that point to offer my services as a contractor, not an employee. I sought clients, not a boss. Income went up, not down.

Through my local chamber of commerce, I’ve met other solo business owners with a similar story. The new mum who now offers her secretarial services to a range of businesses but does the work at home; the former regional sales manager who (when his wife walked out on him, leaving him with 3 teenage sons still in High School) quit sales and started a mortgage brokerage which got him through the tough time and is now booming as his boys move into their 20s and he has more time for business; the plumber with a bad back who refined the services he offers and now specialises in those jobs…

… These 3 principles or tactics have worked for me. They’ve also helped me coach several jobseekers (among my other clients) back into meaningful employment and lifestyle.

So whatever your battle is at the moment, what can you do, what will you do and what can you create?

***

Ever played Chess?

In the greatest strategy game ever created, you don’t just roll the dice on your turn and move to the space indicated. You face multiple variations, possibilities, choices. You’re required to think carefully and creatively about every move you make.

When the half-decent chess-player considers moving a piece, they begin by looking at that piece in relation to every other piece on the board, friendly and hostile. They realise that both the piece and its possible moves have different effects at different stages of the game, that the piece’s value and behaviour depends on what’s happening at that moment.

The competent player considers the next move from many angles: “If I move my bishop to that space, what can attack me? What countermove will it provoke from my opponent? How does it open up space for me and the enemy? What advantage will it give me? What will it allow me to do on my next few moves? How will I protect myself?”

Now, if you’re a leader of some kind it would be easy to think of yourself as the chess-player and your team or colleagues or family as the pieces. I want you instead to imagine yourself as a piece on the board.

You are a piece that has the free will to make its own move. The forces that oppose you are waiting on that move before responding. The pieces allied with you will be affected by your move and will probably also move in response to it.

Your next move is as important as any other you have ever and will ever make. Please consider these thoughts and questions before you make it. (By the way, I’m not suggesting you go through this whole process for every other decision you make!)

1. What are the rules you must observe? How can you make these rules work for you?

2. OPTIONS: List all the possible moves you see you can make from here (even the crazy ones). Once you’ve listed all you see, answer these questions. If you “played” with a more aggressive style, what other moves would open up to you? What moves, if you played a more defensive style? A more structured style? A more unorthodox style? What if you played a game that was based on series of small moves rather large dramatic ones? What if you played more from the heart than from the head?

3. You may now have a sizeable list. Look at each potential move and answer questions like these:

• What specific advantage does it give me?
• Where does it leave me vulnerable?
• What possibilities might open up?
• What response are my opposing “forces” (personal or impersonal) likely to make? (“The auditors will have a coronary” “My tendency to worry will kick in” “My tired team may complain about more work and drag their heels”)
• How do I need to back myself up?
• Whose support do I need for this move?
• What am I certain it will cost me?
• How does this move line up with my overall vision, my goals, my integrity?
• Where does it lead to next?
• What benefit will it bring others?
• What do I need to consider in terms of timing this move for greatest effect?
• Do I need to break this down into smaller steps or is better enacted the way I’ve written it already?

4. Now which move looks best to take next?

Your move!

It can be thoroughly frustrating to work amidst unhealthy and unethical practises.

Defining yourself may be a goal that takes a lot of hard work, but you will retain your integrity AND you just might become the influence that prevents others from blindly following an organisation’s unhealthy practises and values.  

From the time we commence kindergarten, we are conditioned to find the quickest and easiest way to fit in with a new environment. Eventually we may turn from conforming to school rules only to find ourselves bowing to peer pressure.

We carry this learned behaviour into adult life. Sometimes – in stark contrast to our deepest desire to make a difference, to make our mark, to create something new and better - we simply comply and fit in.

Into the workplace we step, entering a culture established before we arrived, pressured subtly (occasionally blatantly) to conform with “the way we do things here”. When that “way” is healthy, compassionate, innovative or ethical, then aligning ourselves with it can actually become a helpful experience for shaping who we are.

But when that environment is toxic or dysfunctional in some way, to go with the flow opens us up to becoming infected with its flaws. This will probably lead to us

• undermining our own integrity, enthusiasm, ideals and values
• giving tacit agreement: endorsing the rot – sometimes even abuses – within the system
• selling parts of our soul to keep our pay packet
• perpetraing the poison of others: actually spreading it further.

It can be thoroughly frustrating to work amidst unhealthy and unethical practises, while feeling powerless to initiate change.

Ultimately, if you are finding yourself in such an environment, then the issue is not as much about the organisation as it is about you. What’s needed is not that you establish a Rebel Alliance in your organisation -we don’t want it closing down or you losing your job!

What’s needed is that you define yourself clearly, first to yourself and then to others. (We face the very same challenge in our families and our circle of friends).

I’ve worked in (and on) many organisations and have always been fascinated by their “cultures” – particularly the behaviour of the human beings within them. One company I worked with had an annual staff turnover rate which exceeded 90%! In other words, if there were ten people in the office in March 2000, by March 2001 nine of the faces would be different.

I remember well meeting “Bekky” – new to the company, full of enthusiasm, cheery, open-hearted, empathetic and motivated. After a few weeks, I complimented her on the way she treated people, remarking that she seemed more interested in providing a service to clients than keeping the bureaucracy happy with her. Her reply went something like this:

“When I got into this job, I already had friends in the industry who told me the kinds of things that could burn me out really quickly. They told me how jaded and negative I would become. I decided that I wasn’t going to be like that. I know what I want to achieve through this; I know who I am – and all I need to do is keep that in focus. I am not going to change.”

Months later, when others who had sat at her desk before her would have been looking in the Job Ads, she remained the same caring chirpy person – and she was maintaining her KPIs!

Defining yourself is a goal that may take a lot of hard work and time to achieve, but I hope you’re seeing why it’s so worthwhile. Here are some starting thoughts to consider.

1. Be clear about your values and the outcomes you are aiming at achieving – your perspective, your integrity, your intentions, your ethics are valid! (You just need to be clear on what they are)

2. Try to uncover the underlying principles or negative values in the organisation’s behaviour and culture that make you uncomfortable – what’s going on under the surface? One of the things this helps you do is to refrain from labelling colleagues as the Enemy – it’s often about culture not individuals.

3. Be proactive about living your own heartfelt values even in a situation set against them – this is (in essence) leadership!

4. If called on to explain yourself, first see it as opportunity to have an influence. Second, don’t blow it by making it a “me versus you” moment; instead look for a way to show how your thought or attitude or action can actually benefit the organisation and bring about their stated goals in some new way. Thirdly, if asked to do something you don’t feel is right, rather than say “That’s just wrong!”, start your response with “I’m not comfortable with that.” And fourth, state your position logically and briefly, without making accusations against others.

5. Encourage others to explore your point of view (“Do you see any gaps in my reasoning?”); steer clear of having to win the point, just discuss it and enjoy the interaction. Just as you are resisting conforming to the opinions or expectations of others in this situation, those other people will generally resist any attempts to change their mind or go against the established order. It captures people’s attention more when you don’t try to get them to back down – while demonstrating that you are committed to thinking more deeply about your own point of view.

6. If you are being called on to engage in actions that you feel are seriously unethical or unworkable, then it may be you have an equally serious decision to make about whether to seek a company that’s a better fit for you. An epilogue to the story of Bekky above is that she lasted 18 months but eventually made a proactive choice to move to another service provider within that industry. The best thing about that was that she remained her “old” self, not burnt out, not jaded, still clear on why she did what she did and committed to enjoy her work.

While it doesn’t always work out this way, you just might become the influence that prevents others from blindly following the organisation’s unhealthy practises and values. At the very least, you’ll stay on the pathway of your own sense of purpose … and you will remain the YOU you choose to be!

Here’s my piece…

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My first job upon leaving High School was in a dangerous, smelly electroplating factory, getting up at 5 am, travelling 90 minutes each way. Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy it. But I did learn some principles that have served me well in the decades since…

1. A Rough Start is Much Better than No Start

Strange as it may see, throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had never ever aspired to work in a factory! When I imagined work, I saw my name on books, I saw myself recording comedy or music, I saw myself as some kind of wierd blend of journalist based on Carl Kolchak and Tintin. (I told you it was a wierd blend).

An A-Grade student until Year 10 (we have 12 “years” or grades in our school system), a B-grade student in year 11, I “lost the plot” and collected nothing above a D in my final year of school.

The wheels fell off my ideals of becoming a journalist.

Now I’ve known people who – when they hit this brick wall - did nothing. Just stopped, stayed in limbo for years, rusting away – even young people. Thank God a friend of my grandfather’s made a phone call for me and got me the gig chromeplating auto badges, oven racks and hubcaps. This crappy crappy job, kept me moving, kept me motivated, kept me saving money, kept me learning.

Eventually during that year, some new ideas for vocation came along and I was able to save my college tuition and move to Sydney to pursue my diploma the following year. That wouldn’t have happened had I moped around expecting the perfect breakthrough to fall from the sky.

A rough start is better than no start; you can only steer when you’re moving! 

2. You Don’t Have to Fit in to Fit In

As an innocent 17 year old, new to both the Christian faith and to the world of work, I was a little challenged by the behaviour and attitudes of my workmates. I had the choice to go all Ned Flanders on them, or just sell out and go against my values and standards. Somehow I found a middle path where I stuck to my beliefs and ethics, but didn’t take myself seriously or get preachy with them.

After a few months of ribbing and pressure to blend in with their behaviours, they came around to actually defending me to new workers who wanted to make fun of “God Boy”. They even gave me my nickname: “Father” (as in the Catholic Priest kind). Eventually there came a day when Con the tough 30-something Greek guy came over to the 18 year old God-botherer and said quietly, “Father I think I need your prayers. There’s some guys after me for money.”

Sometimes it’s your differences that help you become a valuable part of your team or community.

3. Ask Specific Questions or You May Just Kill Your Boss

As a teenager, communication was not one of my strongpoints. Then came the experience that made me start to take it seriously.

 One of our (giant) machines was constantly breaking down. It looked a little like the photo here but was about 100 metres long, with walkways on either side 2 metres off the ground. It operated on a simple system: arms (with racks hanging on them) being lowered into a chemical bath for 60 seconds then being raised by machinery moving sideways to the next bath and lowering again.  Something in the mechanism would stick a couple of times a day and someone would have to hop down inside the machine to put a chain back on or whatever the hell they did. As you may (or may not) imagine, the arms were raised and lowered by two iron plates – and you definitely didn’t want to be between those plates when they came together. (Can you guess where this is heading?)

I came back from a lunch break to find the machine stopped and people standing around doing nothing. I wandered round for a while, then thought “No one seems to taking responsibility here and if those car-badges are in those baths any longer, they’ll start burning; I better see if we can turn it back on.” So I wandered up to the back catwalk where one of the 2 foremen was lounging against the wall. I said to him “Are we ok?” (not a very specific question huh?).

He kind of shrugged and nodded.

So I wandered down the other end of the catwalk, slapped the green button that turned it back on, and went down to my position on the floor again.

15 seconds later, the gears clunked – the first step in the machine lifting the arms … and there was an almighty scream…

… and then I swear I saw a man fly!

The other foreman had still been in the innards of the machine and was not even close to finishing whatever-he-was-doing. I have never again seen such a feat of superhuman strength as I saw when he flew out of that 3-metre-deep pit of machinery.

He lived to tell the tale. So did I – and this brings us back to lesson 2 above: for some reason, he treated me much more mercifully than he would have treated anybody else who’d done this (he was a hard man). He just walked past me, said “Are you trying to kill me Father?” with a half-grin, slapped me (hard) on the shoulder and kept going.

I’ve asked more specific questions ever since.

4. (Last 0ne I promise) Don’t Do Drugs

I learned very quickly that my objection to drugs was a reasonable and pragmatic one. Once you’ve worked around dangerous chemicals and machinery with guys who toke at work, you’ll never be in danger of thinking it’s cool.

I’m not sure whether it was the time I pushed one of these happy-go-lucky mellow-fellows out of the way of the descending machine-arm-with-heavy-rack-attached that was just about to push his head down inside his neck. It may have been the time one of them stuck his entire arm into a vat of sulfuric acid and pulled out the rack that had fallen in, splashing acid literally all over himself. Maybe it was some other acute whacko behaviour. Whatever it was, these guys cured me of any latent temptation to do drugs.

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There you have it. Why not visit Middlezone Musings for the rest of the posts on Monday June 11th?

Oh, and (private joke), thanks to Jason Alba for the “belated birthday wishes” he emailed me!

In 1997, one of my bosses asked me the following question:

“What do you want to be doing in 5 years’ time?”

I was stumped. The only thing I knew for sure was I didn’t want to be working for him doing what I was doing at that time. But as for where I was heading in vocation, I simply didn’t know. And the realisation that I simply didn’t know scared me! And it scared me enough that I started to search in earnest for the answer…

Ironically those next 5 years of my life became about discerning and defining what the rest of my life would be about … and ten years later, I actually feel like I’m focussed on living it.

 If you asked me that question today, I could tell you exactly what my vision and hopes are for my personal life, my professional life and my personal mission. Answering that question (though it took me 5 years) has helped me determine:

• the shape, scope and direction of my business
• what to say YES and NO to
• the way I arrange my time
• the type of spiritual community I’m collaborating with others to create
• the kind of husband and father I endeavour to be
• & more!

It might sound like I’m bragging. I’m not. (Well, alright – just a little).

It’s more that I’m grateful for him asking me that question. That question was a gift and I offer it to you today.

“What do you want to be doing in 5 years’ time?”

I’ve come to disagree.

Bill’s problem was not too much enthusiasm; that was his strength (or one of them). His problem was the weakness(es) that undermined the good his optimism and energy accomplished. His good work was undone by poor communication.

If only Bill had checked in with his managers and workmates consistently whenever he had a bright idea - if only he’d sold them on it, caught them up in a vision of what was possible - he’d not have rushed ahead so often only to find others putting a stop to his plans (and unravelling his hard work).

Sometimes we’re told to rein in some strength that we have because it’s causing some kind of perceived problem. The truth is (as with Bill) that our strength is not the problem;  in reality there’s simply some lack of skill or personal quality that undermines it.

For instance, you might be a great networker: you love meeting new people, chatting about your product or service with great enthusiam. You’re demonstrative, with a terrific memory for people’s details (which you use to follow them up as leads).

Several people are starting to tell you that you’re coming on too strong and overpowering people, turning them off. What do you do? Do you put a lid on your natural personality and aptitudes? No! You find out what’s missing in your skillset and work on that instead! You develop better listening skills, channeling your exuberance into making each person you meet the focal subject of early conversations. You stop behaviour that makes people feel like “leads”. 

Guess what happens? They love you! Your natural liveliness coupled with the new way you give others your attention leaves very positive impressions with people. Your sales coincidentally go up (as do the numbers at your parties!)

Another example? You’re task-focussed and very good at getting things done. Your work-team, your wife and your friends have been telling you for years to “lighten up”, to be more personable, to spend more time with your kids. 

Should you stop being “task-focussed”? No! That’s your personality and a valuable trait in many areas of life. But maybe it’d help if you occasionally made people the task.

I’m sure that sounds cold and unemotive to many people; but for you it may be a lifeline. Devoting your accomplishment-mindset to creating memorable days out for the kids, planning a round of coffees with people you manage where you plan to find out one new thing about them every month, taking a project management approach to making your next anniversary celebration the best ever - ideas like this may be ways you can improve the quality of your relationships by using the very strength that seems to stand in the way.

Don’t downplay your strengths – find new ways to support them.

For more of the story, go to the authors of this concept: Marcus Buckingham & Donald O Clifton in the book Now, Discover Your Strengths. I couldn’t recommend it highly enough…

We were talking in the last post about this experience for 35-55 year olds of feeling numb, succumbing to the status quo, losing their edge, giving up on trying for an ideal life or world. I joked in the comments about future sociologists dubbing this experience Midlife Disaffected Syndrome – a better phrase (I thought I knew what disaffected meant, but a quick check in the dictionary showed me I didn’t!) might be Midlife What’s-For-Dinner Syndrome. I dunno; you got a better one?

To overcome this numbness, I see people in midlife make some questionable decisions. Some justify it. Some grow to like it.

Some return to the risk- and thrill-taking of youth as if the answers lie there:

“Well, at least I’m feeling something now!” 

      “And your kids now think you’re an idiot. Congratulations…”

[Hm. Was that a little harsh?]

Anyway, I reckon the cure to the numbness is fivefold – and I don’t mean to be simplistic here, I’m just making a call on what I see at this moment:

1. remind yourself of what you once wanted life to be 
2. re-enage with a sense of true purpose,
3. revive some of the dreams,
4. uncover the negative values and even wounds dealt in your childhood and work through them,
5. seek greater depth in relationships (rather than greater thrills)

Care to comment?

I watched as he was interviewed on a Breakfast TV program. He was asked “Will you still play on after the 2007 World Cup?” and he was already chuckling before the question was over. He replied “I only think about getting through the next Test. That’s always been my focus.”

His reply had a strangely liberating effect on me. I’ve always chastised myself for either not sustaining long campaigns or for completing them grudgingly. It suddenly occurred to me that in the many races of our lives we are sometimes long distance runners and sometimes we are sprinters. In physical terms I have always been a sprinter. I enjoyed weight training: a set of 10-15 repetitions, rest, another set, rest, change exercises. In high school I never trained for anything but ran 100 metres in under twelve seconds. Last man in the pool, I would take my relay team from third place to first.

But commit to a team sport and play for hours? Train twice weekly?! You gotta be kidding! Thankfully, I’m not always like that. When it comes to marriage, my kids, faith: my commitment never wavers and my actions are deeply rooted in who I am. In these things I am the long distance athlete.

And yet when it comes to health and fitness, spiritual disciplines, executing my long range business plans – my energy and attention come in fits and starts. It sounds to me that in terms of his career Gregan is a sprinter. I don’t mean he can’t go the distance – his record above proves he certainly can!

What I mean is: by breaking his big-picture vision (to play as well as he can for as long as he can) into short term targets and goals, he is able to go harder for each of series of short-range goals.

These short-term “sprints” (where his brilliance shines continually) add up to a long-term achievement. In any area of your life or business, where you have faced repeated difficulty in maintaining focus, perhaps you are simply not the marathon runner here.

Consider and tweak these steps to tap into your brilliance as a sprinter:

1. Have a reason which transcends emotion even while drawing on it.

2. Capture that big picture/vision/motivation in some way. Have an image or a thought that embodies it. Hang a picture on your wall. Buy a three dimensional object or symbol that lives in your car or on your desk.

3. Make a commitment that immerses you in the world of that vision: pay for your year’s subjects up front; register that patent; move house; hire an agent.

4. Break down the big campaign into small increments where you can go hard for shorter periods of time. Follow each increment up (plan this in your calendar or diary) with a period of recreation or a change of activity. For instance, four hours’ resource writing may have drained your creativity bank and you might try some of the smaller items on your two do list to get the best from the rest of the day and to start fresh tomorrow.

5. If you know ahead of time that you tend to accelerate into deadlines, stagger your deadlines as much as possible. Also, leave diary-space in the lead-up to the deadline in order to do the task well – followed by some margin to catch up one of the area’s comfortably.