I’ve come to disagree.

Bill’s problem was not too much enthusiasm; that was his strength (or one of them). His problem was the weakness(es) that undermined the good his optimism and energy accomplished. His good work was undone by poor communication.

If only Bill had checked in with his managers and workmates consistently whenever he had a bright idea - if only he’d sold them on it, caught them up in a vision of what was possible - he’d not have rushed ahead so often only to find others putting a stop to his plans (and unravelling his hard work).

Sometimes we’re told to rein in some strength that we have because it’s causing some kind of perceived problem. The truth is (as with Bill) that our strength is not the problem;  in reality there’s simply some lack of skill or personal quality that undermines it.

For instance, you might be a great networker: you love meeting new people, chatting about your product or service with great enthusiam. You’re demonstrative, with a terrific memory for people’s details (which you use to follow them up as leads).

Several people are starting to tell you that you’re coming on too strong and overpowering people, turning them off. What do you do? Do you put a lid on your natural personality and aptitudes? No! You find out what’s missing in your skillset and work on that instead! You develop better listening skills, channeling your exuberance into making each person you meet the focal subject of early conversations. You stop behaviour that makes people feel like “leads”. 

Guess what happens? They love you! Your natural liveliness coupled with the new way you give others your attention leaves very positive impressions with people. Your sales coincidentally go up (as do the numbers at your parties!)

Another example? You’re task-focussed and very good at getting things done. Your work-team, your wife and your friends have been telling you for years to “lighten up”, to be more personable, to spend more time with your kids. 

Should you stop being “task-focussed”? No! That’s your personality and a valuable trait in many areas of life. But maybe it’d help if you occasionally made people the task.

I’m sure that sounds cold and unemotive to many people; but for you it may be a lifeline. Devoting your accomplishment-mindset to creating memorable days out for the kids, planning a round of coffees with people you manage where you plan to find out one new thing about them every month, taking a project management approach to making your next anniversary celebration the best ever - ideas like this may be ways you can improve the quality of your relationships by using the very strength that seems to stand in the way.

Don’t downplay your strengths – find new ways to support them.

For more of the story, go to the authors of this concept: Marcus Buckingham & Donald O Clifton in the book Now, Discover Your Strengths. I couldn’t recommend it highly enough…

Remember when we were kids and ripping off that band-aid was such a trial? “I can’t do it: IT’S GONNA HURT!!!”

In my last Whetstone newsletter, I published a Laurie Beth Jones article on procrastination. In it, she made these points:

 We often choose the complicated ambling route … when if we just went straight at the challenges facing us, we’d have the problem beaten in no time.

Procrastination seems like a harmless and benign habit. But the truth is, procrastination is costly.

There is a time when the time is too late. Decisions delayed can cause major damage or heartache.

A recent post by Lisa Haneberg built on this subject for me, touching on it from another angle. In it, she describes actions we avoid because they downright scare us.

Quick moment of reflection: 

• Have you been continually avoiding things you want or need to do or say for some time now?
• Does it seem to you that they’ll bring you overwhelming pain or loss?
• Are you caught between recoiling from the prospect of pain and knowing it’s actually the best thing you can do?

While I’m not trying to minimise your challenge, it sounds a little like the band-aid, doesn’t it? Think about it. You have faced one of these moments before; you took the plunge; you discovered it either wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be or the benefits far outwieghed the costs! Sometimes the Nike philosophy (Just Do It) is the best approach…

Caveat: I’m not recommending recklessness or thoughtlessness. We’re not talking about telling your husband that you’ve had enough of his channel-surfing, and “either the TV goes or I go!“. I’m not suggesting you go postal at work. (Please don’t).

We are talking about things like

• being honest about your feelings,
• defending your boundaries,
• making a tough business decision,
• undertaking counselling,
• letting that troublesome-but-talented employee know they are on their final warning (whether or not they’re easily replaced),
• admitting you’re an alcoholic and entering rehab,
• returning to study…

… you get the drift.

We often look back on these “But I can’t do that” challenges at a later date and wonder “What was all that fuss about??”

Courage is the choice to believe that the pain of inaction is far worse than the pain of taking action.

We were talking in the last post about this experience for 35-55 year olds of feeling numb, succumbing to the status quo, losing their edge, giving up on trying for an ideal life or world. I joked in the comments about future sociologists dubbing this experience Midlife Disaffected Syndrome – a better phrase (I thought I knew what disaffected meant, but a quick check in the dictionary showed me I didn’t!) might be Midlife What’s-For-Dinner Syndrome. I dunno; you got a better one?

To overcome this numbness, I see people in midlife make some questionable decisions. Some justify it. Some grow to like it.

Some return to the risk- and thrill-taking of youth as if the answers lie there:

“Well, at least I’m feeling something now!” 

      “And your kids now think you’re an idiot. Congratulations…”

[Hm. Was that a little harsh?]

Anyway, I reckon the cure to the numbness is fivefold – and I don’t mean to be simplistic here, I’m just making a call on what I see at this moment:

1. remind yourself of what you once wanted life to be 
2. re-enage with a sense of true purpose,
3. revive some of the dreams,
4. uncover the negative values and even wounds dealt in your childhood and work through them,
5. seek greater depth in relationships (rather than greater thrills)

Care to comment?

Sitting with a coaching client yesterday, we got talking about one of the unhappy truths of midlife: the experience of becoming old enough to not strive anymore, of losing your passion (like your car keys), of giving up the Dream, of settling for the status quo (no not that crappy old band!). 

Not everyone experiences this, but sadly it happens to enough people to be called common.

One of my friends described it thus: when we were young we threw ourselves into everything. It was like driving the car full speed, taking the corners wide, running red lights. At that age everything is thrilling: relationships, career, sports, setting up home, making the dream happen. But driving like that, when you hit the brick wall, when the relationship comes undone or there is a career setback (etc) then …

…CRASH!

You really get knocked about, sometimes even thrown through the window of the car!

Usually you pick yourself up and find a way to try something else. And yet while you can look & act functional, something’s been taken away: a little bit of trust in others, a little bit of your shine, a little piece of hope, a slice of self belief, a bit of your faith, a piece of courage, generosity, openness, adventurousness.

A few of these crashes and you drive differently…

Now at 35, 40, 45, 50 years old – we drive the car of life more sedately, more carefully. We travel the same well worn roads day in, day out. We barely notice the road anymore, responding unconsciously to well-known traffic signals and conditions.  We never venture intentionally onto unknown territory and avoid it when we can.

As young people we looked over at those in mid-life who were rusting out and said “That will never be me!”. The thought we avoid having now is “Oh, crap, I’m one of them.”

We have settled for “numb”.

It might seem like I am criticizing people experiencing this. I’m not. It’s not failure or weakness to discover this is the truth of your circumstance.

But it is sad. 

It’s also an opportunity to truly begin living again.

Because it’s at this stage of life that we are (more than ever) capable of taking giant leaps toward our dreams and making them reality, of bonding deeply with other human beings, of repairing the damage done childhood & adolescence, of making profound contribution to the planet.

I’m an analytical kind of guy, sometimes too much so! And I know you can’t analyse romance (or shouldn’t!). But I do wonder what’s contributed to our continuing love and partnership. There are the cornerstones of course: a common faith, a close friendship that preceded the “lerve” (that’s love in a bad US accent), the same twisted irreverant sense of humour and our unwavering belief that you work things through no matter how difficult (and I’ve done my share of making things difficult).

Then there are some other things: understanding each others’ love languages for one. I’ll probably blog about it some other time but for now visit http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ if you want to understand what I mean by that. Another key is listening – as a man, I realise that one of my default settings is “distraction”, so listening has been a discipline, but I think I’m getting better …

Anyhow, I started this off not to brag – but to express my wonder and gratitude for 12 eventful years that I would never have enjoyed spending with any one else but Neen.

Oh, and what’s this linen thing?! What’s with that? Who gets to dictate what we buy for anniversary presents anyway? And who wants linen?? I’m looking forward to the night out at the Comedy Festival (strange that our wedding coincided with that)…

Linen! Huh! … but then again … I could use a new pillowcase…