When you’re a solo business owner, it’s so important to have relationships like this with outcomes like these. And there are other roles where keeping close to others of your ‘species’ can prove invaluable.

The single parent. The Dad. The buck-stops-here Boss. The Church minister. The Youth Worker. The Creative type. For all of you, it’s very very easy to become isolated, unchallenged, unsupported, stale. If you’re feeling like that, I encourage you: go looking! Refresh those old contacts; join a group; have a beer or a lunch with someone else from your species.

Twice this year, I’ve run 8-week Dad groups in my local community, each with a different group of men. Both times, one man in each group said something to this effect: “I thought these things just happened in my family. I thought there was something wrong with me, with us. Now I now we’re normal and it happens everywhere. I’m a lot more relaxed at home and less stressed about how I’m doing as a Dad.”

Seek others of your species. We all need each other…

Sometimes I’m aware of it and how it’s affecting me; sometimes I’m in control of it, using it to my advantage; at still other times it seems to run on autopilot affecting my moods and decisions without me intervening.

As we begin each day, we’re talking ourselves into something, whether it’s a mood or a decision. For some it might be either talking themselves into taking a sickday or going to work. For others, ruminating on their back pain unwittingly drags them into a downward spiral of further stress, pain and unhappiness.

And for yet others they spend their day talking themselves into feeling good and behaving in a way that’s actually helpful to them…

“Today I will exceed the expectations of others”

“Today I will take that risk … even if it doesn’t come off, I’ll learn, I’ll grow, I’ll be stronger! Let’s go for it!”

“I’m not lazy, I’ve just been distracted. I’m going to cut off some excess baggage from my life and focus on what’s important”

“I know what I’m doing. I don’t have to get it right. I just have to get it done!”

This is not that shmalzy warm-&-fuzzy hyped-up positive-thinking thinking that many of us distrust and can see right through. This is a naturally occuring process between mind and emotions, between thoughts/actions and the way our body feels and responds. It’s a snowball effect as one of my dear friends – a fitness trainer – calls it.

To use another metaphor, you and I get to set the track that the train of our thoughts will run on for the day.

If I set it on the track of Grace, Self-respect, Adventure, Persistence and Optimism then I can already predict where I’ll be emotionally by the end of the day. I’ll be in a good space. I can’t predict the way the cards will fall, or the people that will willingly or unwittingly get in my way, or what’s going to happen with the Dow today. But if my thoughts are running on that wholesome track, I may well be surprised at how many of the circumstances of my day bend themselves to my advantage … and how others that might otherwise have caused me stress, are like water off that duck’s back …

So. What are you talking yourself into today? What are you talking yourself out of? Try it: set the train of your thoughts running on the Grace/Selfrespect/Empathy/Adventure/Persistence/Optimism track.

And reflect at the end of your day on where that train has lead you…

I occasionally get asked, “What is a life coach?”. The question is usually followed up with another one that goes something like: “Isn’t that ringing people at 6 am to get them out of bed and stuff like that?” or “Is that like helping people with their problems?”

My response? “Er, not really…”

Basically a coach of any description is someone who helps someone else do something better.

The most common reason for a sports team to hire a new head coach, a business to hire a new business coach, or an an individual to hire a “life” coach is to achieve a breakthrough of some sort. Things haven’t been going as well as they could be, progress is thwarted, and they just need a new approach to tackling their goals and barriers.

So enter Pete Aldin, life coach.

The people I enjoy serving most, always fit one of the following descriptions.

People who are in Overwhelm, who feel besieged, unprepared for a new role, or just plain exhausted…

I love to help these people to BREATHE, BREAK THEIR OVERWHELM INTO SMALL PIECES, SIMPLIFY THEIR LIFE.

People with inspiring ideas – writers, pioneers, entrpreneurs - whose ideas seem to float in orbit, never actually landing to take root on Planet Earth…

I love to see these people break through their invisible barriers and actually CREATE SOMETHING THEY LOVE!!

Gen Ys and Gen Xers who feel stuck: they have that Big Decision to make but can’t seem to make it; they have so many choices that choosing one feels nigh on impossible; or they’ve been doing their best to succeed but success seems to elude them…

I love helping them RELAX, UNLEASH THEIR TRUE VALUES AND SENSE OF PURPOSE, ACTUALLY MAKE PROGRESS THEY’RE PROUD OF!

One of my dear friends and coaching colleagues, once wrote a simple piece to help people assess coaching as an option for them.  If you have been thinking about life coaching, but (like me) you like to browse as much as possible before even speaking to someone, I encourage you to check out Is coaching for me? today.

Ever played Chess?

In the greatest strategy game ever created, you don’t just roll the dice on your turn and move to the space indicated. You face multiple variations, possibilities, choices. You’re required to think carefully and creatively about every move you make.

When the half-decent chess-player considers moving a piece, they begin by looking at that piece in relation to every other piece on the board, friendly and hostile. They realise that both the piece and its possible moves have different effects at different stages of the game, that the piece’s value and behaviour depends on what’s happening at that moment.

The competent player considers the next move from many angles: “If I move my bishop to that space, what can attack me? What countermove will it provoke from my opponent? How does it open up space for me and the enemy? What advantage will it give me? What will it allow me to do on my next few moves? How will I protect myself?”

Now, if you’re a leader of some kind it would be easy to think of yourself as the chess-player and your team or colleagues or family as the pieces. I want you instead to imagine yourself as a piece on the board.

You are a piece that has the free will to make its own move. The forces that oppose you are waiting on that move before responding. The pieces allied with you will be affected by your move and will probably also move in response to it.

Your next move is as important as any other you have ever and will ever make. Please consider these thoughts and questions before you make it. (By the way, I’m not suggesting you go through this whole process for every other decision you make!)

1. What are the rules you must observe? How can you make these rules work for you?

2. OPTIONS: List all the possible moves you see you can make from here (even the crazy ones). Once you’ve listed all you see, answer these questions. If you “played” with a more aggressive style, what other moves would open up to you? What moves, if you played a more defensive style? A more structured style? A more unorthodox style? What if you played a game that was based on series of small moves rather large dramatic ones? What if you played more from the heart than from the head?

3. You may now have a sizeable list. Look at each potential move and answer questions like these:

• What specific advantage does it give me?
• Where does it leave me vulnerable?
• What possibilities might open up?
• What response are my opposing “forces” (personal or impersonal) likely to make? (“The auditors will have a coronary” “My tendency to worry will kick in” “My tired team may complain about more work and drag their heels”)
• How do I need to back myself up?
• Whose support do I need for this move?
• What am I certain it will cost me?
• How does this move line up with my overall vision, my goals, my integrity?
• Where does it lead to next?
• What benefit will it bring others?
• What do I need to consider in terms of timing this move for greatest effect?
• Do I need to break this down into smaller steps or is better enacted the way I’ve written it already?

4. Now which move looks best to take next?

Your move!

Think about the sheer volume of information contained in the internet. Think about the shelves of your local library. In many ways, we have all the information we will ever need to live lives that are satisfying, cohesive, productive, adventurous, collaborative, inspiring and inspired. And yet, despite the books, the videos, the seminars, the blogs(!), most of us wouldn’t use all of those words to describe Life for us.

We are a highly educated society. Yet we still struggle to reach our goals, manage our relationships well and feel satisfied with life.

Before a major life-change in 2004, by profession/education I was a minister of religion (a preacher and counsellor) & a workplace trainer (delivering tertiary education in the workplace).

As a workplace trainer, I watched over and over again as people would pass assessments because they knew the information and could follow the processes, yet I also discovered that most went back to their old (sometimes dangerous) ways of behaviour once the assessment was over.

As a minister, I would (for example) ask people to read books on Boundaries and Love Languages when I knew that was at the root of their difficulties. And they did. And nothing changed. They needed more.

Information is not enough.

That’s why I coach. That’s why I am coached by others.

(Life) coaching does two things:

1. it massages the knowledge you already have into your “soul” in a way that develops real life-change
2. it engages the parts of your life which are not intellectual and are just as powerful (e.g. emotions, hopes for the future, talents), enabling you to make improvements “right across the board”.

I invite you to consider life coaching. The first consultation will cost you a mere $55 Australian,and the second session is free! Please leave me a message via my CONTACT page to explore this further…

I wish you a success that’s more than wealth, more than just accomplishment and certainly more than the mere acquiring of knowledge.

P.S. You can hear me chatting about Life Coaching (and sundry other things) at the latest BadDadRadio podcast at BD-028 – What is a Life Coach?

I love problem solving. I hate problems, but love problem solving. And there are some terrific problem-solvers out there who take a creative approach to the task.

Here’s some of my favourite posts and articles that might prompt an idea or 2 about to approach your latest challenge.

• The 7-Up Solution to Problem-Solving
• New is A Requirement
• Focus on your proven strategy
• 5 ways to promote creative thinking and idea generation
• The Two F-Words You Should Love
• Creativity Blocks? Bash Through in 15 Steps
• 10 Bad Habits And What You Can Do To Change Them

Michael Jordan once said:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

 If you feel like you’re failing at something important in this season of your life, I just have two things to tell you:

1. You deserve credit for getting in there and “giving it a go”! You could have retired to the sidelines or abandoned ship, but you haven’t. Be proud of that.
2. If you know what you’re trying to achieve, and you’re clear on why and how, it’s largely a matter of time until the ball goes through that hoop and the game is won. Repetition, learning, persistence and just plain showing-up: these are the main ingredients of success.

nana-korobi, ya-oki:  fall down seven times, get up eight times

- Old Japanese Saying

 My good friend Leah Maclean made the following comments on that post (abridged):

As you have found Pete, life changes so quickly and randomly that I found whenever I set “what will I be doing in 5 years type” goals they were either done in 2 or completely different to what I had intended.

These days I work towards “who do I want to be” type goals (being vs doing). I find these more fulfilling and less effected by the change in what it is possible to do…

I’d still go with the “who do I want to be” instead of the “what do I want to have” when it comes to relationships, attitudes etc…

I’m probably being nit-picky over language but have always found that I can go deeper with a being statement rather than a having or doing one.

My initial response to this was that I understand the being stuff and the way we coaches move people towards a focus on that rather than on doing. At the same time, maybe because I’m male and we are a restless gender, I still see doing as a fundamental/crucial area for goal-setting, measurement and learning.

I’d be interested on anyone’s thoughts on this (it’s an idea, not a deeply held “belief”), but I think  men see almost everything in terms of activity. We see verbs truly as doing-words: verbs about being are still verbs to us, resting is still something we do, paying attention to others is an action, letting go of agendas and distractions is active. Et cetera. Et cetera. Et cetera.

In the midst of my (perhaps trivial) ruminations about this idea this morning, I opened the book I’m reading at the moment: The Way of the Wild Heart, by John Eldredge – a book about masculinity – and I read this:

Exhausted from months of battle and hard labor, I needed to get away, knew that I needed to get away [ie., take a break, short sabbatical], yet somehow could not bring myself to do it. You know how that is – you find yourself on the treadmill, hating it, but accustomed, even addicted to it, and getting off seems like an inconvenience, even if it will save your live…

It reminded me again that there is a deep (often ignored) need in us blokes to clear our heads, clear our schedules, clear away our stimulations and just … be.

Call it getting centred, call it shabbat, call it detoxing – whatever. Getting away from the trappings, the goals, the checklists and then “going” somewhere where we can truly face ourselves in the context of an infinite universe we have very little control over and effect on – well, it’s transformational, refreshing, humbling, even confronting … and it can reorient us more toward who we truly are and who we yet want to become. As Eldredge said, it can even “save” us…

Eldredge did it by getting out into the mountains and fly-fishing for a couple of days. Not by just switching off his brain – that’s not being, other than being comatose. However you and I do it, when we make adjustments to and refuel our being, the quality of our outward actions (our doing) is deeply transformed.

Interested in your thoughts…

In 1997, one of my bosses asked me the following question:

“What do you want to be doing in 5 years’ time?”

I was stumped. The only thing I knew for sure was I didn’t want to be working for him doing what I was doing at that time. But as for where I was heading in vocation, I simply didn’t know. And the realisation that I simply didn’t know scared me! And it scared me enough that I started to search in earnest for the answer…

Ironically those next 5 years of my life became about discerning and defining what the rest of my life would be about … and ten years later, I actually feel like I’m focussed on living it.

 If you asked me that question today, I could tell you exactly what my vision and hopes are for my personal life, my professional life and my personal mission. Answering that question (though it took me 5 years) has helped me determine:

• the shape, scope and direction of my business
• what to say YES and NO to
• the way I arrange my time
• the type of spiritual community I’m collaborating with others to create
• the kind of husband and father I endeavour to be
• & more!

It might sound like I’m bragging. I’m not. (Well, alright – just a little).

It’s more that I’m grateful for him asking me that question. That question was a gift and I offer it to you today.

“What do you want to be doing in 5 years’ time?”

Lo and behold! When I opened the door, there stood – resplendent in his white shirt and even whiter teeth, with pristine lanyard displaying a shiny ID badge, and heavy-duty clipboard held like a medieval skirmisher’s shield - a hawker, a door-to-door salesman.

Was I pleased to see him?

No.

It was a Saturday evening and he was trespassing on my property and my time.

Was I my normally kind and empowering self?

No.

This was battle. He wanted to plunder my time and my money. And I had no intention of giving him any quarter.

Did I even let him speak?

No.

Because (to my eternal shame) I have both trained telemarketers and worked as one. Therefore, I know that the core skill of the good hawker (whether ”assailing” you via telephone, at your front door or in the foyer of your business) is to keep you talking, to keep you engaged. Unfortunately, a quick “No, thankyou” followed by a switched off phone or a closed front door is as polite as you can afford to be.

This got me thinking (off on a tangent again!). I’m fiercely protective of my home. I won’t allow many things or people into it. But how about my mind and emotions?

If you and I talked about it, we’d undoubtedly agree that fretting, judgmentalism, self-doubt and holding a grudge are all unhealthy. They’re even against my own personal principles and the values of my faith.

I’ve also  found often that they are working away in my mind, plundering my time, my emotional energy, my integrity, my creativity, my health, etc etc.

Who let them in? I did.

There is a wonderful metaphor in The Bible for these things (relax, I’m not gonna preach a sermon atcha!): “fiery arrows”. Perhaps you can picture a battle scene from a Ye Olden Days movie, arrows with fiery tips are streaming over the castle walls. One lands in a thatched roof. If the denizens of the castle extinguish it early, no harm done apart from a scorch mark. But if it’s allowed to take hold – WHHOOOSH! – you got a big fire to contend with and it’s spreading quickly!

If my home is my Castle, my mind is the Keep. And if the telephone and the front door are the gateways to my home, then my initial mental response to fretting, condemning and self-doubt are the gateway to my self. I don’t want my mind and emotions infected with these bugs any more than is unavoidable.

It’s helped me to try to catch things quickly. When the anxiety mechanism kicks in, to simply change channels in my head. When the impulse to take offense (my biggest struggle) kicks in, to say “Hold on, brain. Let’s not go there!” When the voice of judgment starts to belittle someone, to start complimenting them internally and externally.

Let’s face it, if we don’t have time to waste talking with people who want to sell us stuff we don’t need or want – we certainly don’t have time to waste worrying, complaining or beating ourselves up.

How are the defenses at your gates?