It was a personal reference to Aesop’s fable about the old man, the boy and donkey. Follow the  link if you’re not familar with it.

I put it there because I was painfully (and daily!) aware that 300 different people had exactly 300 different expectations of me.

The “donkey” for me was the things I was trying to achieve in my ministry. There was my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my values… and then there was those of the “crowd”. Now in a position like a pastor’s, you’d think you’re basically there to do what everyone “needs” you to do in the moment. Well, there’s a place for that – the crisis. But most of the time, most of the people I served weren’t in crisis (even if they thought they were!).

And I began to go nuts trying to please all of the people all of the time. And the stuff I did well, the stuff that bore fruit in people’s lives and in mine, the stuff I was made to do … it all fell by the wayside.

Until one day I reread this fable again and Aesop spoke to me across the centuries. I got clear on what I was meant to do, what my focus was and what my values were. And to the best of my ability, I followed them.

Eventually that lead to me leaving professional ministry and launching my own life coaching practise – where I’ve been far more fruitful. But even before that, I was feeling better defined and more present for the real crises and needs that my talents could serve.

So. What’s your donkey? What are people telling you to do with it?

What do you WANT to do with it?

So do it.

Sometimes I’m aware of it and how it’s affecting me; sometimes I’m in control of it, using it to my advantage; at still other times it seems to run on autopilot affecting my moods and decisions without me intervening.

As we begin each day, we’re talking ourselves into something, whether it’s a mood or a decision. For some it might be either talking themselves into taking a sickday or going to work. For others, ruminating on their back pain unwittingly drags them into a downward spiral of further stress, pain and unhappiness.

And for yet others they spend their day talking themselves into feeling good and behaving in a way that’s actually helpful to them…

“Today I will exceed the expectations of others”

“Today I will take that risk … even if it doesn’t come off, I’ll learn, I’ll grow, I’ll be stronger! Let’s go for it!”

“I’m not lazy, I’ve just been distracted. I’m going to cut off some excess baggage from my life and focus on what’s important”

“I know what I’m doing. I don’t have to get it right. I just have to get it done!”

This is not that shmalzy warm-&-fuzzy hyped-up positive-thinking thinking that many of us distrust and can see right through. This is a naturally occuring process between mind and emotions, between thoughts/actions and the way our body feels and responds. It’s a snowball effect as one of my dear friends – a fitness trainer – calls it.

To use another metaphor, you and I get to set the track that the train of our thoughts will run on for the day.

If I set it on the track of Grace, Self-respect, Adventure, Persistence and Optimism then I can already predict where I’ll be emotionally by the end of the day. I’ll be in a good space. I can’t predict the way the cards will fall, or the people that will willingly or unwittingly get in my way, or what’s going to happen with the Dow today. But if my thoughts are running on that wholesome track, I may well be surprised at how many of the circumstances of my day bend themselves to my advantage … and how others that might otherwise have caused me stress, are like water off that duck’s back …

So. What are you talking yourself into today? What are you talking yourself out of? Try it: set the train of your thoughts running on the Grace/Selfrespect/Empathy/Adventure/Persistence/Optimism track.

And reflect at the end of your day on where that train has lead you…

As I thought about this theme, I was drawn back to the thought that “Western” society has largely lost its sense of what it is to be male, or at least its sense of the positive nature of innate maleness. We have popularized the Wise Guy, the Clueless Guy, the Jock, the Nerd, the Tough Guy as if one only of these categories is all us blokes can hope to fit into. We’ve railed against the violence that men have perpetrated, and the elitism that for centuries characterized male-dominated industry and community groups.

But what have we left for Men to be proud of? More specfically what are we offering young men to aspire to? As a father of boys, this question really really gets under my skin!!

My hope is that we (all) would more intentionally embrace what it is to be a Man, that we wouldn’t apologise for the way we’re “wired” (and sink into passive niceness) nor would we use it as an excuse for callousness and insensitivity.

It’s been my good fortune to have met and to know men who serve to point out the best in Maleness. From them I’ve learned …

1) That there is a Warrior Element in the Male.

We want to be tested and found strong, able. We want to fight for a cause, for something bigger than us, for something that gives us pride. We want to fight to protect “our own”, whether that’s our own family, our own home, our own business, our own brand, our own reputation, our own health. We want to exert power and have control.

And this is a great thing. We’ve simply misapplied it too often. But what if we applied it to our business, our health, our community and based it on positive values rather than on our gratification alone?

Where there is no noble pursuit, no daunting challenge, no villain to stand against, no outstanding vision, we tend to go one of two ways. We can go spoiling for a fight over trivial matters, get our blood up over fairly banal offences, turn our neighbors into villains and fight them. Or we can sink into a rusty malaise from which it’s difficult to awaken.

2) That there is a Nurturing Element to the Male.

We most often apply this element to things. And this is good. We not only build a boat or a bookshelf; we polish it. We meticulously gather resources for our pet projects. We care for our garden, taking pride in new growth and in our skill at producing it. We clean our five-iron after golf, ready for its next outing. We maintain our website. We labour over our manuscript…

But often we shy away from turning this strong point toward people. Perhaps we think it’d be sissy, perhaps we think we’ll mess it up, perhaps we don’t think at all.

I believe a man can bring his talent for recognizing and “polishing” the awesome and the beautiful not only to his roles as artisan or sportsman but to those of lover, father, brother, mentor and comrade.

3) That there is a Collaborative Element to the Male.

And this is despite decades (centuries?) of media preaching the Gospel of Frank Sinatra and the Gospel of James Bond – in which doing it “my way”, on my own, relying only on my own might and my own smarts is seen as the measure of a Real Man.

WW2 was not won by individuals but by individuals banding together , who created a synergy of creative thinking and raw determination.

Hundreds, maybe thousands, of men (and women!) put a dozen men on the moon (and those men traveled there in teams).

It gives me a profound sense of pride to see men banding together to discuss their challenges as parents and to commit to support each other. I’m proud to be a co-collaborator with some brilliant women and men on several business projects and two community ones.

Even the Lone Ranger would have been screwed if he hadn’t had Tonto to watch his back!

I say THANKS to the Blokes who have kicked my backside, called me out, heard me out, acknowledged my talents and generously shared their wisdom with me over the years.

The picture below is of something my 7-year old son left behind as he rushed off to school one day. It captured the seamless way in which he had blended his nurturing and warrior aspects in the one game he’d been playing. And he’d invited us all into that game.

May we find ways to similarly blend these strengths of maleness in our lives, at work, at home, and at play.

Why not pay her a visit, listen to us chat for half an hour and see if you can find an idea that helps you de-stress a little as a parent.

You can hear the podcast at Help for stressed-out parents.

***

Driving to work I see expensive Rolex watches on the billboard. I get home to watch TV, and I am faced with commercials with the latest Lexus model. I turn on my computer to check my Facebook and I am bombarded with flashing ads selling everything from shoes to phones.

Everywhere you turn, someone is trying to get you to buy stuff. Every medium is about selling advertising. Even the baseball stadium is named after the sponsoring company!

My family is not rich, but we are far from having to beg on the street. I have everything I need, so I should be quite content. But the messages I see and hear, everywhere I look, are telling me that I need more stuff.

And that message was getting to me.

When I look in my closet, I think I have “nothing” to wear. I look at the refrigerator and yearn for a new one with more features. I look in the mirror and …well, let’s just say I wanted some changes there too. Advertising was telling me about everything I lacked, and I found myself dissatisfied with what I have, and even who I am.

Then a simple event turned me around. Have you ever have an epiphany where a light bulb goes off? I went to the funeral of my friend’s mother. There is something about being faced with the reality of death that puts everything into perspective. During the memorial service, I had one of those moments of introspection, “Katy, what is life all about? Do you think better stuff will make you happier? At the end of your life, are those “things” going to make a difference?”

Consumerism which is suppose to enhance the quality of my life, was in fact keeping me from enjoying my life.

While our culture continues to inundate us with messages of “more” and “newer”, I made 4 deliberate choices to go against that noise:

1. Stay away from the mall. Going shopping used to be a favorite pastime. “What do you want to do today?” “Let’s go walk around the mall.”

I don’t do that anymore. Looking at all the stuff I don’t have only makes me discontent. I don’t have room for all that stuff anyway.

2. Don’t buy anything I don’t need immediately. When I go shopping, I only buy what I need to buy and no more. Even if it’s on sale, and even if I could use it one day, I pass. I definitely don’t have room for more stuff.

3. Count my blessings everyday. As my mother used to say, “Why do you need so many pairs of shoes, you can only wear one pair at a time.” I thank God I actually have more than one pair of shoes, and that is more than I need. At the end of each day, before I sleep, my daughter and I each take a turn thanking God for something specific.

4. Focus on building relationships. A friend told me her mother was known for her hospitality. She was always ready to have a friend over for a cup of tea. Did she have a fancy house to entertain? No, she couldn’t afford more than a one-bedroom cottage. But she would lay a table cloth on the table in her tiny kitchen and enjoy the company of her friends. It wasn’t what she had, but who she was that people remembered. I am not going to be self-conscious about having the right house or the right clothes. Being the right person by showing kindness and generosity is much more important.

Whenever I feel the bug of discontentment, I think of that funeral. Life is not about materialism. Keep yourself away from those who tell you otherwise, and focus on the stuff that matters most.

***

Katy Lee enjoys life with her husband and three children in the suburbs of Los Angeles. Her passion for spreading family values, through her personal stories, is found on her website http://www.AdventuresInParenting.org/

I want to recommend to you a wonderful movement based on a wonderful concept. April 4 will be Pay It Forward Day. This event is the brainchild of Blake Beattie and is worthy of our support. Besides, it might even be fun. Some of Blake’s thoughts are below, but I recommend you visit www.payitforwardday.com and learn more, put it in your calendar … even start early and perform a random act of kindness today!

Great work Blake! 

A message from Blake Beattie (Pay It Forward Day Founder)

‘Pay it Forward Day’ is a brilliant concept by Catherine Ryan Hyde from her book of the same title. Some people were originally quite sceptical of the whole idea: they said that it was good in theory, but not in practise. I challenged this point of view believing that people are genuinely giving by nature, but many get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life. April 4 is a time when each of us can get to experience the ‘Power of Giving’ and the ripple effect begins.

I’m sure you all know the feeling.  It’s 3.00pm and you’ve been at work a while.  You’re starting to get bored, maybe a little hungry.  Suddenly, all you can think about is food. For some people it’s chocolate or lollies.  For those with a more savoury bent, it might be chips.  For me it was cake. 

“You are no bigger than the things that annoy you!”

- Jerry Bundsen

Service Untitled had a well-written post recently on the topic of appropriate humor in customer service. Well worth the read…

Laughter is also something I love to see happening in families, especially when the parents are allowing the kids to bring some fun into their serious adult world …

For us parents, this can be as simple as staying “present” with your kids and letting their innate comedic genius really touch your soul. Let them finish their comment, get a joke or wisecrack out, pull an absurdly silly face… without interrupting it all to get on with serious stuff.

My kids make me laugh out loud … as often as I let them. And I know that my laughter nurtures both their souls and mine, and I know that the attention I give them builds confidence and security in them also.

It’s funny (no pun intended – ok, I intended it!) – it’s funny how laughter and happiness can be a choice, something we seek, something we tune into. Us Westerners are kinda silly, adopting a postition of distraction in life where we almost dare Fun to break through and touch us. When it actually comes along, we often feel the need to justify it:

“Oh, yes I have to go to the carnival on the weekend; my kids need some quality time.” (How about “I’m going to the Carnival on the weekend with my kids; whoo hoo!!”?)

Meanwhile our kids are absorbed with Fun. They live for it, search for it and when it happens, they lap it up. And if we’ll only let them, they’ll bring us a gift of laughter, of fun, of wonder – enough to revive us and bring us down to earth again…